I'm probably oversensitive when it comes to comments about race and weight. I'm a fat white girl from Birmingham with a hell of a guilt complex it's just going to happen.
And I wonder sometimes why its unacceptable to make sweeping generalizations about a race, culture, or ethnicity when a whole hell of a lot of assumptions are made about people with weight issues. Not to say they don't need to work on the issues but there might be some shit going on that you have no fucking idea about and you can count your lucky stars that you don't have to deal with yourself. I do my best to not get too touchy when I feel like skinny women might be insinuating that they're somehow morally superior to me because their problems are less physically obvious. I've been wrestling with these issues for a long time and I have my good and bad days with it. Women tend to be self-critical though and while they're thinking it about themselves they don't neccesarily mean it about you. But even if they're not talking about me it can still be kind of offensive.
Last night at a small party I heard a story about an overweight stewardess who apparently had some..issues. But the fact that there might be an actual blood sugar problem (which is what some of her behavior sounded like) didn't seem to matter much. She was just a crazy fat chick. I dunno, this was told by a flight attendant for an airline I didn't like to fly on anyway - particularly since they've invoked the two seat rule and the few times I've watched the reality show I haven't really felt much better about giving them my money. But yeah I was getting the feeling that somehow she thought she was a better person because she's never had to worry about her weight (the comment about the woman being 250 pounds and not being able to make it down the aisle made me extremely sad), even if she wasn't saying it about me it included me. And somehow it was ok for her to say those things while we tut-tutted about people who say generally bad things about Hispanics.
It was just a bad ten minutes in what was otherwise a wonderful evening but those mean voices in my head..this is the kind of stuff they thrive on.
I've been thinking about it this morning though and had pretty much decided that those stupid after school specials about being pretty on the inside were right. Then I ran across this post and experienced retort envy.
Now, this woman...oy. There are thin women, and then there are Skinny Bitches, and my radar went screaming off on the latter immediately. She's standing there in her overpriced workout clothes--you know, the kind nobody wears to actually work out in, they just wear around town to make it look like they're oh-so-health-conscious. She has one of those stupid little pink leather purses and an armload of magazines about pilates and yoga; her hair is that expensive streaky blonde that's all the rage in people trying to look young and hip. She's making fake small talk with the adorable pierced-and-tattooed boy en flambe, and taking forever to decide what she wants, talking herself into and out of a piece of cake about five times.
I'm barely paying attention, as I am scanning the menu myself (you know, making up my mind BEFORE I get there?), but she has one of those nasal voices that worms its way into your brain and makes your spine hurt, so before long I'm listening to her; I think she was trying to be flirty. Anyone with half an IQ would have known her charm was absolutely wasted on our friendly neighborhood cafe lad.
The woman is now weighing the pros and cons of having skim milk versus two percent milk in her latte, and she says, "God, I don't know, I just feel so, like, fat today. I feel like such a big fat cow."
Then she turns to me, and she says, GET THIS, "How do you stand it every day?"
I blink.
The adorable pierced-and-tattooed boy en flambe blinks.
Several heads in the cafe pop up because nobody can believe this woman actually said this to a total stranger. I feel as if the sitcom camera is pulling in tight for a closeup on my reaction.
But the gods of snark are smiling upon me today. I reply, straightfaced, "You know, it's normally not too bad, but today I'm having one of those days where I feel like a shallow dumb bitch. How do you stand it every day?"
And I thought about a short conversation Cody and I had this morning while watching Marty about how the feminist movement has talked a lot about women being held back by men but a lot of the time it's the women doing a lot of the holding. And it is true. We can be meaner about each other than than any guy because we know just what hurts the worst. And what's to gain from that short moment of smug superiority?
No big deal really I've just been thinking about it today.
I hear you. I was quite uncomfortable too. I'm not here to make excuses but... I honestly don't think she even thought about any of us in the room feeling bad about this because she doesn't think of us "that way". That doesn't mean it's acceptable or excusable and I wouldn't blame you if you pulled her aside and told her you were offended and hurt so that she knows to think about this next time. It's not a problem she has ever had to deal with and maybe this will enlighten her. I have a co-worker who is stick straight, yet feels like I want to hear about her paunch when she eats too many breakfast burritos (her FAVORITE!) and has to do power yoga non-stop so she doesn't feel so fat (where's the eyroll emoticon when you need it?)
I do agree that we (women) are our own worst enemies but mostly we don't think much beyond ourselves. Overall, I think we're a group of great empowering women (to include the stewardess) and maybe we just fall on our faces from time to time. I'm glad you were there last night and I hope this doesn't ruin knitting group for you. I'll see you Saturday with bells on!
Posted by: Corrine at August 31, 2005 1:02 PM
I don't quite know what to say. I'm sorry that story hurt you.
I percieve you as someone I admire because you are creative, and funny, and fun, and very aware, and I learn a lot listening to you.
I guess I'm oblivious about a lot of stuff, because I just didn't pick up on that last night.
The "pretty inside:" I don't notice what people I care about look like on the outside- I care about the person you are INSIDE not what you look like.
But just because that's the way I am, doesn't mean I can discount someone else's feelings.
I believe in karma -I think we've all been rich, poor, thin, fat, starving, and well-fed.
And I think we forget that we've all been there, the lesson being to have more compassion and no judgement.
Thanks for reminding me. If this is too personal, don't publish it. I just wanted you to know :). Jeannie
Posted by: jeannie at August 31, 2005 2:42 PM
Hey, lady! I was feeling pretty bad after I left about talking about Susan, especially her butt. I'm not happy with my own weight, even though I really try to talk myself into accepting my body for what it is and not buying into what a woman "should" look like, it's hard as hell and it's so ingrained in a way--so when Susan said something about my eating, I immediately went on the attack and made fun of her body, too--not to her face, but to you guys. It's not right and I'm not happy that I indulged in that impulse. It's weird: I didn't even notice *her* body until she said that--maybe that means that "civilized" or "aware" women are the ones that don't overtly make fun of people of size, but are still swimming in that big 'ol media mess of misogyny and it all comes out when we're provoked like an instinct . But, anyways, as I blather, the more I think about it, I think knitting and knitting circles are a pretty radical experiment--for women. There's really no other place I know of where women are together for such a sustained period of time without household chores or distractions, television, etc. And it's honestly the most open and nurturing environment I've ever been in. Maybe it's impossible to undo the work of media and the pre-set images it's given to us about women's bodies, but I think we can do a lot of good--whether we're talking in anger and jest--to try to keep the body out of it and make it off limits--because if we make it an issue and bring it up even when people hurt us, it's validating our society's idea that a woman's worth is primarily her waist, her bust, her whatever. But it did bother me that someone attacked my body and I attacked hers... one shouldn't follow the other and I'm sorry I allowed myself to feel that in anger.
Posted by: Erin at August 31, 2005 2:45 PM
i hear ya. I hear ya. at a 5'9 285lb chick I hear ya on the inappropriate comments.
I once had a friend suggest to my husband that for Christmas he should get me roller blades. so that we could all Rollerblade together for exercise. I was beyond pissed. Same guy, another time, questioned my husband about my eating habits, and suggested to him that he talk to me about them. Hubby called him on that one, but I wasn't there to witness it.
Posted by: Luka at August 31, 2005 3:45 PM
I dont know why people treat each other they way that they do either. My wife is a bigger girl. She is so beautiful. I hate that people have messed up view of what is hot and what is not. Right now they want girls to look like drug heads and skin and bones. thats not hot. Thats sick. I could go on for ever on this. But I don't think we should care what someone looks like (race, weight, where they are from ETC.) and we should just all try to get along. Why can't we be nice to each other? Hell I dont' agree with everyone..but I try to respect them. I guess thats what we are missing. Respect.
Posted by: Emperor Joe at September 1, 2005 1:12 PM
You know, Jeannie brings up a good point- it's easy to the beautiful qualities in people we like. "Pretty on the inside" translates to pretty on the outside when you're looking at someone you love and care about. I never really notice the physical imperfections of people who I think are nice, or who I want to like. But boy, do I notice them on people I don't like at all. Once I don't like someone, all their physical faults seem glaring and horrible- almost painful to look at. Almost as if their bad teeth/lazy eye/large waist line/bony eating disorder ass is a material manifestation of their crappy personality. But I'd find those same features in someone I like totally unnoticable, or charming if I noticed.
I dunno. But I don't think that's just me. (FYI, after reading these comments, I'd just like to say: show me an american woman with no issues with her weight, and I'll show you a corpse.)
Posted by: Jocelyn at September 1, 2005 8:18 PM
well ... don't be a whale, then !
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Posted by: Saturn calling card at September 12, 2006 10:26 AM
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