this is what would probably happen to me

if we had a child. Really.

let's all send our thoughts/prayers/etc Heather's way.

They sell that shit at Hooters not here

This is my third attempt at posting this because my puter is being stinky by locking up and seems to want a reformat - or just dislikes the word 'tits' - which is likely too.

We don't live in a big city where walking down the street being harassed by construction workers wearing 'No Fat Chicks' shirts is a common occurrence. This is not by accident. I'm not sure what the standard protocol is when dealing with that stuff and I'll be the first to admit that my social skills vary wildly. My proper southern upbringing keeps my manners in check most of the time but sometimes there's this thing in my brain that takes over and I can't stop myself from calling 'foul' when I see one happening. This is definitely a trait I inherited from my mother and I'm simultaneously proud of and horrified by it.

Jocelyn and I went to the gym a few days ago. This isn't uncommon we've been going pretty much every other day this summer. The gym closes early on the weekends (to avoid drunken weightlifter brawls?) so we only had time to swim. It's generally a good mix of people there: tiny tarts in color-coordinated outfits with matching ribbons in their hair, gangboys with shaved heads and homemade tattoos, skinny young teenage boys with long hair and oversized clothes lifting far too much weight, chubby middle-aged women with huge hair and long nails, old men with baggy shorts and baggier man boobs.

It's not a bad crowd really but the room with the pool takes some getting used to because the whirlpool and doors to the sauna and steam room are all in the same room so there are always people sitting around on benches cooling off with nothing better than to sit there watching you getting in and out of the pool.

Anyway on Saturday I went to the pool area first. I noticed there was a guy in his mid-fifties doing half-assed swimming while he was mostly just checking out girls' butts. I'm pretty immune to this stuff ? I don't fit the 'getting stared at' category and haven't in a while. Admittedly that's not an accident either. I'd watched this sleaze check out several butts and once he even tried talking to a confused woman on her way out the door. I'm happily doing breast stroke laps. Jocelyn comes in and starts doing laps too. In the meantime Spawn of Creepy Man gets into the pool too and they're just in the pool leaning on the wall talking about whatever idiots like this talk about.

Jocelyn starts to do backstrokes because she has a thing about her head being under water. Her boobs are sticking out of the water and ya know, sure, they look nice. I'm swimming a slow breast stroke towards the Creepy Man and Junior's end of the pool. Spawn of Creepy Man nudges his dad and says ?Check out those tits?. They do then Creepy Dad looks at me ? right in the eye. And I just can't stop myself: "Are you ogling my friend's tits??" Jocelyn didn't hear what they said and just assumes I'm being an embarrassing freak again, yells my name and splashes me. While Spawn of Creepy Man just keeps asking what 'ogling' means. I dunno I just turn around and start heading for the other end of the pool but I'm fairly sure Spawn of Creepy Man is making all kinds of excuses while making disparaging remarks about me (fat and dyke being choice phrases) making his dad laugh.

I think he was mostly just pissed that he a.) was called on his shit and b.) doesn't know basic vocabulary. Apparently Creepy Dad later said something to Jocelyn like "I was just admiring them". And at one point I passed him and said "It was just a straightforward question dude." During one lap he winked at me. eeeooow.

So was it wrong of me to say something? To me, especially when one of those fuckers was looking me right in the eye, not saying something was tantamount to giving them permission. But it did call more attention to the whole issue than just not saying anything would've done. I mean looking is one thing but nudging a buddy and saying 'dude check out those tits' right where we could hear them is something else. We don't go to the gym to show off our bodies goddammit we're there to exercise and feel better. If we wanted to be in a fucking skin parade we'd be at "The Beach" or something. You want to look at tits there's no shortage of "Hooters" and tittie bars in Albuquerque.

Bleh.

the damage we do

Tonight I watched a documentary about child beauty pageants and a show on discovery health about women with munchausen by proxy syndrome.

One group decorates their little girls to they look like bar whores and the other injects their children with insulin and falsify medical records for unneccessary surgery. All so these pathetic people can get attention through their kids. Reason number 1012 why I have social phobia and avoid leaving the house.

on being a social phobic matron of honor

Ok so take your average depressive / agoraphobic / social phobic and plunge them into the most stressful family social gathering (like, oh I dunno, a wedding). In the mountains in Tennessee. Eeeeep.

Bigtime self-conscious textbook depressive rant follows so be aware...

Being drugged to the gills on my favorite wellbutrin zoloft cocktail kept my blurting tendencies under control for the most part - except for that one spooky scene in a friday the 13th style cabin with a bunch of new yorkers, one contrarian antisemitic self-hating southerner, and his shockingly fabulous european wife. That was kind of bad. So now a bunch of yankees think I'm crazy and at one point someone referred to my mom and I as the Southern Corleone family. Nah, if that were true at least three of the guys in that very room would be sleeping with the fishes. Don DeLana thank you for inviting me on the day of your daughter's wedding. And may their first plant be a masculine plant. Heh. Well they won't be having kids and he doesn't like pets so..

Don't get me wrong I was very happy to see some people and was extremely happy to be able to help my sister have the time of her life but I had a very VERY fucking hard time not counting the number of men that were there who had made hurting my sister's feelings into a goddamned sport - including one contrarian self-hating southerner. Maybe the bastard's right, she doesn't get into more than she can handle - or maybe she's just really kind and gets screwed over by terrible people a lot. Who knows?

And while I'm hopeful about this marriage I'm extremely worried that marrying into that family may be more than even my sister has energy to handle. These are not kind people. They're the kind of people that are unable to interact socially without cruel little asides and tiny biting criticisms that are just ill-tempered enough to be annoying but too small to really comment on without looking like you're nit-picking. Damn and I thought I had in-law problems. Mine are just selfish ever-breeding republicans but at least they're not mean.

Oh, but, get this..we're nouveau riche! Bahahahaha! I like what Cody has to say about that -- "the key word in that phrase is the second one." Yeah. So. Maybe I should get cracking on that great series of stories about the completely insane old southern families I've known. Like the one from the extremely old family from Savannah with the drug problem that passes out on her dining table and puts our her cigarettes on her old family's Wedgewood dinner plates after a meal? Tres-classez there. Yeah ok so we're bouge but apparently that doesn't mean our parents don't foot the bill for a very nice party while keeping the bitchy comments to a minimum - well in public anyway. And at least the men in our family are polite enough to offer their arm to a lady without throwing a childish little fit and having to be scolded by a martha stewartesque minister lady. Lordy. That guy's so lucky my bougie husband didn't kick his puckered ass for being such a prick about that. I know Jocelyn was ready to fly in from Albuquerque to do it herself the other night haha. I think she could take him too.

So clearly I'm unable to take my own advice of just relaxing and having a good time no matter what role I play in a wedding ceremony. And even though I was doped to the gills I've been having a very hard time not having scenes repeat in my head.

See this is the really bad part about depression - you don't get to remember all the fun stuff - you get a mean voice in your head repeating the dumb things you said at fourteen years old. And if that isn't bad enough imagine seeing a guy at a wedding that REMINDS you of the dumb shit you said at fourteen when you see him again at THIRTY. I was too kind to remind his forty year old self of his stupidity at nineteen - like dropping acid or that singing superman telegram stripper job - yech - in front of his nice new kinda-sorta-wife. See, they're not actually married - last year they had some kind of performance art anti-wedding thing. He's the world's last card-carrying communist who wears a gold wedding band and a three hundred dollar suit. Anyway, now not only do I have one evil voice repeating the stupid shit I said then I now have a goddamned RECAP of it with even more awkwardness because I was too drugged to be able to say anything all that much better this time. Christ.

So I've spent the last week in escapist mode - finishing Syberia, playing Syberia II. Created a fun little character on the Liberty server on City of Heroes named Hello Kitty. But mostly I've spent the week trying to drag myself out of the pit of despair that is my brain. And trying not to replay all the stupid bad human encounters over and over. But it's not going well. I had a similar emotional hangover from my own wedding that went on for months. Weddings bad. I think I'm allergic to them. I would spend a good amount just sleeping but my old sculpture injury neck thing is hurting again so it's hard to be comfortable. I spent a good portion of the night trying. Watched a documentary about Brandon Teena which, in retrospect, wasn't a good idea. Had a seriously good cry. God I hate it when Cody has to work and I'm like this. Even though she tries the dog just isn't as comforting as he is. Damn I wish I could smoke. But I really don't want to go through quitting again.

I had planned on creating a photo album to go with the website I'd created for the wedding but all the photos I have just piss me off. What's with the ten thousand pictures of kids and like two of the actual bride? wtf? I mean, they're not the bride's kids. They're the spawn of that asshole who made a spectacle of himself for refusing to behave like a proper groomsman. Very reassuring to know there are going to be a bunch of little versions of him running around, too, I can tell ya. If I were smart I wouldn't take people so seriously but gods help me I keep trying to actually give a shit then they just make me mad.

So now you know why I haven't updated in a while. Week of weddingness and now I'm kind of trapped in my brain and didn't think I had much of interest to write.

news and my mental health

With Bill Maher in his hiatus I was only going to have the Daily Show and phone conversations with my dad for acceptable ways to hear the news. NPR is cool but it usually just depresses me. There's a fine line that divides news I can hear and think about and news that makes me want to go get in the bathtub and cry for the next eight years...

Oddly enough listening to scary right-wing talk radio has been known to help me with my panic attacks when driving because they make me so angry. Of course I'm not dreaming! I wouldn't dream creepy people like that, right? Helps with those dissociative feelings that's for sure.

But for the most part I try to not upset myself in that way because then I start to get a chilling feeling that most people in the US are like that. Although it seems that spending a healthy amount of time with UNM law students helps allay those fears :)

So I was pretty excited to hear about Air America Radio then I discovered they were only going live in three cities. It will take years before it gets to New Mexico. But guess what? They're doing live streaming from their website! Wheee! And it's actually working today! Yaay! Been listening to the O'Franken factor! This is so fun!

anxiety & depression

Quiet night for the most part. Cody has to work tonight and I'm kind of bummed about that. I've managed to get onto a daysleeping schedule again. I'm always swinging from days to nights. I have a love/hate thing about my husband working night shifts. He loves loves his job though and I'm so glad. I wish I could find a job that fit me as well as this one does him. Managing the network and database for the new mexico lottery is pretty cool. Wonder what would fit me as well? Something involving art, animals, and computers. And I could bring Winter the ridgeback and Zola the hedgehog aka Windy Ridge's Second Mrs DeWinter and Gorgonzola Pokypants. I'm passing blame to the geeky husband on my left for the names. Well, some of the blame.

But I'm feeling much better tonight. A little anxious about inexplicable things but I can handle that. It's so hard to explain to people who've never had these kinds of symptons what it's like. My latest diagnosis has been depression with generalized anxiety and panic disorder with a side order of social phobia and mild agoraphobia. Basically I get really sad for no reason, get panicky for no reason, can't drive alone without heart palpitations and dissociative feelings, a majority of people scare me - particularly rabid right wingers lol.

Funny thing is people are generally shocked to learn these things about me because when I do go out I actually come off really well-adjusted and normal. People are generally shocked to learn I have a tattoo as well though. Imagine me coming off as a round shiny preppie housewife girl. Ha! It's like that's my evil depression superhero cover identity.

So the depression thing pretty much covers it all and mix that in with the hypothyroid and I'm tired all the time if I don't take my meds. Twelve hours of sleep are perfectly normal for me during these times. Even when I do take my meds it takes a lot of coffee to get me going when I wake up. Sometimes I look back at my pre-diagnosis years and can pinpoint the symptoms. I try not to define myself by these things though. Does depression define who I am? Sure these things affect my daily life but I'm not sure if it does any more than where I grew up, the color of my hair, or who I'm married to. Maybe it's what I read. Kidding.

A few years ago there was a person I thought we were friends with stop calling us after she found out Cody and I are both on medication for depression. How fucked up is that? What year is this? In a way it was kind of a relief because every time we went to the movies with her and her ex-junky boyfriend they wanted to go see the most awful dreck films like payback or stigmata. Hmm she was prejudiced against our mental disorders and I was prejudiced against her stunted taste in film plots. I may be crazy but at least I don't want to pay full price for a piece of crap vigilante action flick mel gibson pre-passion-but-somehow-just-as-bloody-and-self-righteous dreck crap with a bloated budget and flash film and lighting tricks that's been redone infinitely since 1992. Give me my phobias and depressive days any day over that shite.

ok

Ok so enough futzing around with figuring out movable type templates. Time to bite the bullet and post already. Not trying to make a big deal with this site. Just want to get some thoughts written down someplace because I think I rely way too much on other people to remember the random crap I say. And it was kind of fun making Nicole's website. Clearly I'm out of practice but at least I'm getting the css/dynamic content thing this time around. Been so long since I've made a website. Four years? Five? I'd given up on the site creation. At the time I don't think I had much else to say. Felt like I was talking in the wind. I guess what's changed is I don't really care if no one reads this.

I've definitely got some rules in mind for myself. I won't get involved in the blog wars bullshit. I won't check my referrer logs. Maybe I'll link to weblogs I like to read but I don't want to get involved in cliques, personality cults, that kind of thing. This is the big one: I won't consider my audience when writing. If people like what I have to say, great. If not there are about ten trillion other sites out there to play with. A few 'real life' friends or family may be made aware of the site but I will not worry about it. Of course these are my rules so I suppose I can break them anytime.

Kind of in a bad depression the last two nights. Generalized anxiety, tense jaw, tight feeling where my neck meets my skull. Feels kind of like a nic fit but it's been 1y 1m 3w 1d since I smoked. A few fleeting bad thoughts. Overwhelmed with the neverending list of shit to do. Might be pms. Last month was like a nightmare pms meltdown that caused me to gain ten of my beloved 40 lost pounds. Still haven't lost it back yet. Damn. I really need to get an appointment with my doctor and get back on the wellbutrin. I was on a blissful zoloft/wellbutrin cocktail - it took a whole lot to make me upset and I didn't want to eat or smoke to feel better. Cody made cheeseburger macaroni hamburger helper with ground turkey for me last night. I can't eat high fat foods even if I want to now - makes me really sick afterwards. Never thought I'd be that kind of gal.

Set up a play area for the hedgehog on the new desks and turned off the light. She's been running on the wheel a bit, eating, and napping.