So the root canal pain is totally gone, the sinus infection is still around, I had a severely sore throat on Tuesday so I went to the doctor's office to get some meds for that and tested negative for strep again.

I had to go back today because I was having trouble with gross goopy eyes. Now I have conjunctivitis. The doctor thinks the tooth, the cold and sinus trouble, the eyes, the weight, and probably the depression are all related to my hypothyroidism and I'm supposed to go see an endocrinologist.

On the bright side I no longer smell pickles all the time.

There was an hour and a half wait in the doctor's office, even after checking in and seeing two nurses. It was very, very crowded today too. I had a feeling a lot of us had the same cold. We were all coughing and sniffling. They had a television in the waiting room and at one point the tv mysteriously changed channels from msnbc to the game show network.

Despite everyone's obvious sickness and inpatience we all kind of enjoyed watching Card Sharks and making fun of how outdated the statistics in the polls were. 15% of young boys in a Rhode Island middle school admitted to turning their report card Fs into Bs. 26% of the marriage counselors thought wives tended to be too overbearing. 13% of the high school boys with steady girlfriends admitted that they wished they could date other women. 3 out of 10 women have experienced unrequited love. 55% of the psychologists thought that women would feel more fulfilled with jobs outside of the home. We kind of had fun laughing at it.

Then the channel was changed to some sort of celebrity shopping network and we all went back to being sick impatient grumps.

to mention that last week, January 29th, was my fourth anniversary of quitting smoking.

In that time I would have smoked roughly 51,418 cigarettes and spent about $8,998.15 US dollars, even if I'd been going to the smoke shops on the pueblos. I smoked American Spirits they're expensive.

I don't think I've spent that much on yarn. Geez I hope not.

The good:

The Bad:

The Crackly:

I've had a bad neck/shoulder/back issue for years. Like, now that I've been thinking about it, fifteen years. Oops! I had a friend back at Birmingham-Southern that I would pay to massage my back. Then my best friend and roommate in Santa Fe got the honors since she went to a hippie school for a while and knew how to massage really well. She kept saying, "You really need to get an adjustment," and I had no idea what that meant.

Cody is not a very good massager because he's afraid he'll hurt me. Believe me, it would take A LOT to hurt my neck and shoulders. I am one seriously tough woman in that particular area thanks to softball in my early years and stretches and stuff trying to fix my issues in the more recent ones.

So for years now I've been dealing with pain on the left side of my neck down into my shoulder and to this one weird spot in my shoulder blade. It comes and goes. But for the last year or so it's gotten increasingly worse. Sitting at the computer for hours then going and sitting on the sofa to knit with really bad posture doesn't help. And I'm almost positive I sleep "wrong" too although we bought a great bed about a year ago.

Monday we didn't get to the fair which was disappointing. But I finally did give it up and go to a chiropractor. I'd just had it with the neck pain. We just went to a local chain that I remembered had a "Walk ins Welcome" sign. I was terrified. All those rumors about people being paralyzed and stuff. And this guy did take my head and crack the living shit out of my neck. Three times. Then did these little electronic stimulator things on my neck and upper back. It was scary but it felt a lot better! Not perfect but better.

When he asked me if I'd had a car wreck or something fifteen years ago I couldn't really think of what had happened to cause this neck pain. I usually assumed it was a combination of bad posture and an injury from chiseling stone in sculpture classes. But Monday night I remembered what happened when I was nineteen: I was in the mosh pit at a Vomit Spots concert and someone jumped off the stage directly onto my head. I went straight down. Will was there and he probably even remembers. I got right back up but my neck was so stiff for days afterwards. And so it has been ever since on and off.

It's a mosh pit injury! How totally punk rock!

I went back this morning and it's a bit better. The chiropractor did the same stuff again and said we'll be doing the same thing for a month or something then we'll see how I'm feeling. But I'm not supposed to be sitting at the computer very much with all this going on so I'll only be checking in every once in a while.

So that's it..the good, the bad, and the crackly.

and gets the CRAP beat out of her gums! Yeah, ok I deserved it. I don't take nearly as good care of my teeth as I should and ok, yeah I haven't had an in-office cleaning since 2000. Mix this with the genetic lottery number I pulled (which includes great intelligence, naturally good skin and hair, a penchant for rich foods with a comparatively small metabolism and extremely high maintenance teeth) and I shouldn't expect anything less.

Lucky me I get to have a crown that's already been drilled through for a re-root canal replaced and two other crowns put in. YAY!

When I start to think about how much money has been spent on my teeth over the years what with the pediatric cavities, braces, wisdom teeth extraction alone I start to get a bit woozy. Or maybe that's the killer pain meds the dentist prescribed for me.

The good news is I think we've finally found an acceptable dentist in the state of New Mexico. He seemed hyper-aware of my low pain threshold and was equally appalled when I told him about the dentist in Santa Fe that told me to drink a bottle of wine rather than prescribe pills when I complained about tooth pain from his last filling. This new guys' hygienists were very nice (considering what they had to do) and his bill wasn't completely outrageous, well, for what all is going on. So anyone in Albuquerque that needs a new dentist I TOTALLY recommend Dr. Tom Heflin.

In other news I added a few things to the etsy shop.

The National Mental Health Association has designated October 6th as National Depression Screening Day.

Not everyone has depression. Not everyone who has depression needs medication. But for some people it's a great relief to know that the crazy shit that pops into their heads sometimes might actually be a mental illness that can be treated in one way or another, no matter what Tom Cruise has to say about it.

It is a real disease not just a figment of some shrink or pharmaceutical company's imagination or a lazy housewife's excuse to stay in bed. Anyone who has lived with it or loved someone who is living with depression can tell you this. I'm not trying to make everyone think they have depression, I'm just trying to help the few people who may be having problems and might finally have a reason to find help in whatever way they think would work for them.

Think you might have depression? This is a common questionnaire doctors use to screen for it.

Over the past two weeks, I have felt low in energy, and not very interested in my daily activities.
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

Over the past two weeks, I have been blaming myself for things.
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

Over the past two weeks, I have a reduced ability to enjoy myself.
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

Over the past two weeks, I have had a change - increase or decrease -- in my sleeping habits or appetite.
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

Over the past two weeks, I have been feeling hopeless about the future.
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

Over the past two weeks, I have had difficulty in concentrating; indecisiveness; and slowed or fuzzy thinking.
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

Over the past two weeks, I have been feeling particularly sad, hopeless, or anxious.
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

Over the past two weeks, I have been feeling worthless.
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

Over the past two weeks, I have been feeling like there is little pleasure In my life.
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

Over the past two weeks, I have had thoughts about death or suicide. (PLEASE NOTE: If you are feeling suicidal, PLEASE contact your physician, a mental health professional, or contact a Crisis Center or hotline in your area
5 Very Frequently
4 Frequently
3 Sometimes
2 A Few Times
1 Rarely

A score under 20 is the least likely to point to clinical depression or a depressive episode, 21-35 means depression is likely, over 36 means depression is very likely. This test is not designed to make a diagnosis of depression or take the place of a professional diagnosis, but may give you some insights.

Why the frequent use of the term over the last two weeks? Because the standard definition of clinical depression is if depressive symptoms last for two weeks or more or affect one's ability to function in daily life.

If you think you might have depression, call a local mental health facility or crisis center, your doctor or nurse practioner, or your insurance company's behavioral health department.

Today it's been 970 days since my last cigarette.

2 years 7 months 3 weeks 5 days 3 hours and 40 minutes

33,922 cigarettes I haven't smoked

$5,936.35 I haven't spent on cigarettes (I smoked expensive American Spirits)

3m 3w 5d 18:50 life saved (all according to the QuitTime program I still run on my computer)

I work very hard to not be an obnoxious ex-smoker to people who are still smoking, not say stupid things or be a general pain in the ass. But at the same time I am very, very proud of this accomplishment. It took three tries to finally have it stick. The longest time I'd quit before this was eight months.

This was probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. I'm not even exaggerating. I had started smoking at fourteen at boarding school. I quit at thirty-one. By then I'd smoked for about sixteen years. Don't even want to think about how many cigarettes or "life not saved" Quittimer would calculate for that.

If you're curious this is what worked for me. I'm certainly not saying it's the only way to do it. I was on a combination of prescriptions for Wellbutrin, Zoloft, my thyroid meds (of course), and I used the nicotine patch. I started with the highest dose of Nicoderm CQ. I found that the clear ones stuck better. I didn't even complete the cycle with the patches. One day I forgot to put one on and just kept forgetting.

I honestly believe it was the Wellbutrin and the patches that did the trick. Cody couldn't take the Wellbutrin and had a relapse with the smoking for six months (meanie that I am I made him go outside). Then he actually got addicted to the patches. He would wear more than one at a time, changing them after twelve hours. He used the patches for a year and a half. But we got him off of them too. Now we're both nicotine free.

When I first quit smoking I ate approximately 10 thousand Salsa flavored sunflower seeds and went through about two cases of coke per week to counteract all that salt. I quit both of those a few months later. Now I stick to diet sodas with the occasional sonic drink. I'm not counting starbucks coffee drinks right now.

Yes I gained weight. I've since lost it and more and gained it all back. I'll probably be doing that the rest of my life. I'd been doing that anyway even when I was a smoker.

But at least I'm not always thinking about when I'll get to smoke next. Or have to worry about whether or not I have enough cigarettes to make it through the night. Or get so stressed on airplanes because I can't smoke. Or make my mother cringe every time I have to go smoke on their back porch when I visit.

I finished the baby sweater late late Saturday night. When I woke up to go to the shower my sinuses felt like they were packed with cotton so I didn't go.

The house is as clean as it's going to be for now. My parents arrive in about four hours. I still have a head cold / sinus thing and I just washed my hair anyway.

Melon's favorite food this week is a canned kipper snack we found in the exotic tinned foods aisle. It's among the more disgusting seafood items I've ever seen but she's eating it so I'll put up with it.

The construction seems to be going on further down the road now. Although sometimes we get a boom or vibration from the trucks. That makes the dog bark. She's also taken to barking when the phone rings. Good thing it doesn't ring that often. I think she can sense our annoyance with the phone so she barks at it to make it go away.

I've eaten so many cough drops I've given myself a stomachache.

And I'm on the third day of my period but I can't eat chocolate because it coats my throat and makes me cough.

Please excuse my posts all being about whining or knitting lately. I haven't really been thinking about the website very much and when I do it's usually to whine or show off knitting.

too bad I didn't notice at 2:22 eh?

Three months? That's all I've saved? Dammit!

as always I praise Quittime.

Yes, I still miss it every day. Sorry.

The good news: I'm alive
The bad news: I'm never eating sag paneer again.

I don't think it was food poisoning (as Cody does) because I've been feeling queasy on and off for a week. And no it's not that either. Actually I think this is the next evil phase of the cold/flu that wouldn't die - the stomach edition. I could go into a lot more details but trust me, you don't want to know that such a delicious spinach and cubed farmer's cheese dish could become a projectile from opposite human orifices at the same time like that. A bit tmi there eh? Well, just thank your lucky stars you weren't there you might've gotten hit.

During a two hour lull in the waves of nausea yesterday I took some self-portraits and monkeyed around with them in photo impact. Don't you love that nauseated wan look? Almost like those early nineties' Calvin Klein ads if you ask me.

There are several more in the photo journal.

1y 10m 2w 4d 0:24 smoke-free

24,080 cigs not smoked

$4,214.00 saved

2m 3w 2d 14:40 life saved

according to QuitTime

And I'd still light one up and smoke it right now if I could. But I don't want to go through quitting ever ever ever ever EVER ever again.

Because of the holiday there was only one water aerobics class yesterday but somehow I managed to stay there longer than usual.

Thankfully the crazy hippycrite woman was not there. I've been leaving halfway through the third class because if I stay the whole time I usually get a weird swimsuit burn on my underarm from all the repetitive arm movements. So I haven't really spoken with her since my post. Yes, I'm avoiding confrontation as well but that arm burn stings and it's better for me to be able to use deodorant trust me.

I ran into a friend-of-a-friend and her mom and we talked a long time about her bar results angst and another friend-of-a-friend who has serious delusions about her abusive crack addict boyfriend. I stood around in the pool talking with her and using water weights.

My resolve to not expose myself to much political stuff has been going fairly well. I slip every once in a while because there are several older women at the gym with whom it's quite fun to discuss politics. I guess it doesn't really count because none of them are with the media.

Anyway, I spent another hour or so doing resistance work in the pool with a kick board and talking to a woman who had seen a Kerry-Edwards button on my gym bag and then given me another one with "no bush" on it. They've started broadcasting Air America programs on a local am station here and she was very excited about that (as was I). She actually does a lot of grassroots work like making signs and standing on corners with them as well as handing out buttons and stickers in public places. I told her about the rooftop revolt which she found very exciting.

She seems cool but..

Again, here's a cool person with strange ethnic hangups. I have no idea how the conversation got to this but at one point she mentioned how the "Spanish" people here (in New Mexico - as I understand it they prefer to be called Hispanic) tend to discriminate against Mexicans (ie those who have immigrated from Mexico in the last generation - whom I've been taught to call Mexican Nationals). Now she wasn't saying anything particularly derogatory so my red flag didn't raise quite as high as it did with the other lady.

Maybe I should clarify why I'm so hyper-aware of discriminatory remarks like this. Aside from being pretty aware of acting like a proper New Mexico transplant I grew up as a white woman in post-civil rights movement Birmingham, Alabama. So my hometown is associated with all those awful newsreels from the 60s with the dogs and the police attacking people who wanted to eat lunch at the same counter as white people. My parents had to cross picket lines their first day of college in Memphis. My sister has a master's (and almost a PhD) in African American Feminist Lit. My neighborhood in Birmingham (Mountain Brook) had a large enough Jewish population to serve Matzos in the cafeteria during passover. One of my serious high school boyfriends was Jewish and taught me a lot about Judaism which started me on a very interesting journey of religious study. And, I'm the only non-Hispanic girl my husband ever dated. When I was travelling a lot I enjoyed immersing myself in the culture around me and the greatest compliment I could get was being mistaken for a local or, at the very least, not a typical American tourist.

I have been living in an atmosphere (by both accident and design) with very low tolerance for discrimination in lots of ways. In fact, lately I've even been trying to work through my right-winger Christian discrimination issues. I reallyreally try to be aware of discriminatory comments. Sure, sometimes I joke about 'damn hippies' or 'those dern yankees' and get in trouble but for the most part I stay out of trouble.

Back to what happened with this woman. She wasn't saying anything particularly bad about Hispanics or Mexican Nationals - just she thought it was odd that one discriminated against the other. Apparently she'd taught some fairly troubled teenage youths at a school in the South Valley.

She seemed to be mostly confused because it was internal discriminations within a subset of a larger group that is discriminated against. I didn't necessarily defend the fact that they did discriminate but I explained why they might want to separate themselves from the common prejudice against immigrants. My example was that while I'm proud that I'm from Alabama I still work my ass off to separate myself from the redneck trash usually associated with the place. In fact, my pride comes from the fact that I managed to grow up there without being an ignorant racist asshole. It seemed to make sense to her and I think it made her reconsider her weirdness a bit.

As I understand it, it's not uncommon for groups that are discriminated against to discriminate against another group. I've heard nasty discriminatory comments made by people in Japan against those in Korea, African-Americans against Jewish people, Italians against Irish, how about the famous feud between two colleges in Alabama? There always seems to be that attitude, "Well I may be (blank) but at least I'm not (blank)." It's interesting to think about isn't it?

Routine

Also, I've decided that since I have a fairly set routine now I'm going to set up an appointment with Jenny Craig next week and get back on their plan.

I go to the gym three times a week: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I usually get to the gym between 7:30 and 9 am and work out, take classes, swim, sit in the hot tub until about 11:30 or 12:00. Then I walk over to the Keva Juice, get a citrus sunrise with all the supplements and a shot of wheatgrass juice. Then I go to the Subway next door and get a six inch turkey on honey oat with guacamole, lettuce, tomatoes, and black olives. Isn't it funny that despite my total lack of a regular sleeping schedule I can be such a creature of habit?

So I've decided to add Jenny Craig to my routine since it's just down the way from the Keva Juice and Subway. I feel like I really need to pair my exercise with diet to really see results. It's kind of funny but I actually miss the Jenny Craig food too. It also adds more time to Cody's nap before I call him to come pick me up.

And all this hard work seems to be paying off: every once in a while I'll touch my thigh or upper arm and feel the hardness and definition of actual muscle. It's such a cool surprise I usually make squeaky noises and make Cody lean over and feel it.

Now if I could only get over my new popsicle addiction.

I feel like I've been fighting a cold the last few days. I've been a little achy with a sore throat but really noticed it yesterday morning at the gym. Sure I'm not the most in-shape person in the world but I can usually breathe well doing the cardio equipment and always enjoy the water aerobics class. Yesterday I was just tired. So I'll be hanging out in bed for a while. The good news is we have Cody's laptop and a wireless network hehehehe. This is one of the reasons we set it up so in a way I'm kind of excited to have an excuse to use it. On the other hand I don't relish feeling like crap.

Oh, Cody interviewed for the nighttime supervisor position this afternoon. There were two other applicants. One isn't eligible for administrative reasons the other is still in school and has taken a lot of sick time which will definitely come into consideration at such a small office. Cody's totally going to get it. He programs little extra helpful tools for the office in his spare time and asks for nothing in return, has been sent to work at other offices out of state, has been there longer, and has had managerial experience before.

This will be a good change - being a supervisor means that he would be working something like a 4pm - midnight schedule and automatically gets holidays off. Basically our favorite swing shift. The bad part is if someone called in and he couldn't find a replacement he'd have to go in. I've asked him how he'd feel about that. But he seems ok with it. These guys are geniuses at keeping the place interesting for him.

So I've heard that Arby's Chicken Salad is good but, damn, it's not worth it.

That's more than twice the 21 grams of fat a day I shoot for in one sandwich. And people wonder why Americans are fat.

Ok so enough futzing around with figuring out movable type templates. Time to bite the bullet and post already. Not trying to make a big deal with this site. Just want to get some thoughts written down someplace because I think I rely way too much on other people to remember the random crap I say. And it was kind of fun making Nicole's website. Clearly I'm out of practice but at least I'm getting the css/dynamic content thing this time around. Been so long since I've made a website. Four years? Five? I'd given up on the site creation. At the time I don't think I had much else to say. Felt like I was talking in the wind. I guess what's changed is I don't really care if no one reads this.

I've definitely got some rules in mind for myself. I won't get involved in the blog wars bullshit. I won't check my referrer logs. Maybe I'll link to weblogs I like to read but I don't want to get involved in cliques, personality cults, that kind of thing. This is the big one: I won't consider my audience when writing. If people like what I have to say, great. If not there are about ten trillion other sites out there to play with. A few 'real life' friends or family may be made aware of the site but I will not worry about it. Of course these are my rules so I suppose I can break them anytime.

Kind of in a bad depression the last two nights. Generalized anxiety, tense jaw, tight feeling where my neck meets my skull. Feels kind of like a nic fit but it's been 1y 1m 3w 1d since I smoked. A few fleeting bad thoughts. Overwhelmed with the neverending list of shit to do. Might be pms. Last month was like a nightmare pms meltdown that caused me to gain ten of my beloved 40 lost pounds. Still haven't lost it back yet. Damn. I really need to get an appointment with my doctor and get back on the wellbutrin. I was on a blissful zoloft/wellbutrin cocktail - it took a whole lot to make me upset and I didn't want to eat or smoke to feel better. Cody made cheeseburger macaroni hamburger helper with ground turkey for me last night. I can't eat high fat foods even if I want to now - makes me really sick afterwards. Never thought I'd be that kind of gal.

Set up a play area for the hedgehog on the new desks and turned off the light. She's been running on the wheel a bit, eating, and napping.