Due to various situational and health circumstances I'm in a dangerously bad mood. It seems that early thirties (probably perimenopausal) premenstrual hormone fluctuations combine very very badly with clinical depression resulting in blinding bombs of depressive episodes that can only be assuaged with eating everything I can find in the house and thinking very bad thoughts while I knit and watch tv. Or going on shopping sprees but we spent all our discretionary funds on the bed.
If the quackass doctor at Pres hadn't been such an asshole about prescribing two antidepressants at once this might not be as bad. I found out that this guy just doesn't seem to know shit about depression, eating disorders (yes food addiction is an eating disorder stfu), or antidepressants - fucker made me take a QUIZ to decide if I had symptoms for depression..well I can assure you that twelve years after my initial diagnosis that I'M STILL NOT CURED MUTHERFUCKER. God I hate GPs they can be such clinical assmonkeys with a complete lack of understanding of people who can't control every aspect of their lives like they can. I've been the friend of many doctor's children, believe me most are scary controlling tightasses.
He actually said to me: "There is no pill that helps with weight loss." And if I were more conscious and hadn't been fasting for blood tests that early morning I would've been quick enough to answer "No, but the pills that keep me from having depressive episodes where I self-medicate with mashed potatoes and french fries SURE DO HELP."
Zoloft is good. But it seems that regular seratonin levels aren't the only solution for my problem - aside from the more obvious synthetic thyroid hormone replacements I have to take. The dopamine helps too. Together Zoloft and Wellbutrin are like the wonder twins for my brain. These wonder twins activate into the form of a big warm bubbly bath and a huge bowl of buttery mashed potatoes.
I know a lot of people disapprove of, or make a lot of assumptions about, antidepressants. For me, they make it possible to function without scary rage followed by crying jags. For my husband, they make it possible for him to have a coherent conversation without scary jumps in thought process and internal second-guessing.
Maybe you have never been close to someone who needed medication to live - say, a person with diabetes or a condition that causes seizures. But I can assure you that these aren't just "happy mother's little helper pills" that we take in order to become the Stepford Couple. Without them we both will separately start to contemplate the neatest and most painless form of suicide where life insurance would still be paid out. What keeps us alive without medication is the thought of how badly one would hurt the other by leaving them.
So you can shove your assumptions and prejudices about antidepressants right up your ass.
And back to the United healthcare roulette I go trying to find a doctor I don't want to punch in the head, wondering just how much it would cost if I went back to that nurse practitioner I liked so much when we were with Lovelace.
In other news I started a private password-protected mt journal to get my more personal stuff out. Things I was afraid to post here and I'm not talking contact or credit card information here. If you're wondering right now, yeah, it probably was about you once or twice. Which is why it's private. Because it seems really wrong to air my personal stuff with another person right on a website like this. And I'm not always sure (with a few exceptions) if it's me being crazy and depressed or an actual issue.
So hopefully that'll help exorcise some demons for me.
I have a great GP that put me on Lexapro for my depression, no questions asked. He's really good at listening to what I (or my hubby) have to say and partners with me instead of lording over me. He's with Pres so if you want his number, let me know.
The other option is to interview several docs and ask the office staff/nurses about them too. I get a lot of info from the "girls" in the office about my doc. When I switched doctors they knew I needed someone with a great sense of humor and the ability to cut right to the chase, so they were able to make a recommendation that was right on the money.
Good luck with your hunt. I hope you find someone great. :)
Posted by: Beth at April 29, 2005 6:54 PM
*Hug*
(wish I could do that in person.)
Posted by: Jocelyn at April 29, 2005 11:28 PM
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