Being drugged to the gills on my favorite wellbutrin zoloft cocktail kept my blurting tendencies under control for the most part - except for that one spooky scene in a friday the 13th style cabin with a bunch of new yorkers, one contrarian antisemitic self-hating southerner, and his shockingly fabulous european wife. That was kind of bad. So now a bunch of yankees think I'm crazy and at one point someone referred to my mom and I as the Southern Corleone family. Nah, if that were true at least three of the guys in that very room would be sleeping with the fishes. Don DeLana thank you for inviting me on the day of your daughter's wedding. And may their first plant be a masculine plant. Heh. Well they won't be having kids and he doesn't like pets so..

Don't get me wrong I was very happy to see some people and was extremely happy to be able to help my sister have the time of her life but I had a very VERY fucking hard time not counting the number of men that were there who had made hurting my sister's feelings into a goddamned sport - including one contrarian self-hating southerner. Maybe the bastard's right, she doesn't get into more than she can handle - or maybe she's just really kind and gets screwed over by terrible people a lot. Who knows?

And while I'm hopeful about this marriage I'm extremely worried that marrying into that family may be more than even my sister has energy to handle. These are not kind people. They're the kind of people that are unable to interact socially without cruel little asides and tiny biting criticisms that are just ill-tempered enough to be annoying but too small to really comment on without looking like you're nit-picking. Damn and I thought I had in-law problems. Mine are just selfish ever-breeding republicans but at least they're not mean.

Oh, but, get this..we're nouveau riche! Bahahahaha! I like what Cody has to say about that -- "the key word in that phrase is the second one." Yeah. So. Maybe I should get cracking on that great series of stories about the completely insane old southern families I've known. Like the one from the extremely old family from Savannah with the drug problem that passes out on her dining table and puts our her cigarettes on her old family's Wedgewood dinner plates after a meal? Tres-classez there. Yeah ok so we're bouge but apparently that doesn't mean our parents don't foot the bill for a very nice party while keeping the bitchy comments to a minimum - well in public anyway. And at least the men in our family are polite enough to offer their arm to a lady without throwing a childish little fit and having to be scolded by a martha stewartesque minister lady. Lordy. That guy's so lucky my bougie husband didn't kick his puckered ass for being such a prick about that. I know Jocelyn was ready to fly in from Albuquerque to do it herself the other night haha. I think she could take him too.

So clearly I'm unable to take my own advice of just relaxing and having a good time no matter what role I play in a wedding ceremony. And even though I was doped to the gills I've been having a very hard time not having scenes repeat in my head.

See this is the really bad part about depression - you don't get to remember all the fun stuff - you get a mean voice in your head repeating the dumb things you said at fourteen years old. And if that isn't bad enough imagine seeing a guy at a wedding that REMINDS you of the dumb shit you said at fourteen when you see him again at THIRTY. I was too kind to remind his forty year old self of his stupidity at nineteen - like dropping acid or that singing superman telegram stripper job - yech - in front of his nice new kinda-sorta-wife. See, they're not actually married - last year they had some kind of performance art anti-wedding thing. He's the world's last card-carrying communist who wears a gold wedding band and a three hundred dollar suit. Anyway, now not only do I have one evil voice repeating the stupid shit I said then I now have a goddamned RECAP of it with even more awkwardness because I was too drugged to be able to say anything all that much better this time. Christ.

So I've spent the last week in escapist mode - finishing Syberia, playing Syberia II. Created a fun little character on the Liberty server on City of Heroes named Hello Kitty. But mostly I've spent the week trying to drag myself out of the pit of despair that is my brain. And trying not to replay all the stupid bad human encounters over and over. But it's not going well. I had a similar emotional hangover from my own wedding that went on for months. Weddings bad. I think I'm allergic to them. I would spend a good amount just sleeping but my old sculpture injury neck thing is hurting again so it's hard to be comfortable. I spent a good portion of the night trying. Watched a documentary about Brandon Teena which, in retrospect, wasn't a good idea. Had a seriously good cry. God I hate it when Cody has to work and I'm like this. Even though she tries the dog just isn't as comforting as he is. Damn I wish I could smoke. But I really don't want to go through quitting again.

I had planned on creating a photo album to go with the website I'd created for the wedding but all the photos I have just piss me off. What's with the ten thousand pictures of kids and like two of the actual bride? wtf? I mean, they're not the bride's kids. They're the spawn of that asshole who made a spectacle of himself for refusing to behave like a proper groomsman. Very reassuring to know there are going to be a bunch of little versions of him running around, too, I can tell ya. If I were smart I wouldn't take people so seriously but gods help me I keep trying to actually give a shit then they just make me mad.

So now you know why I haven't updated in a while. Week of weddingness and now I'm kind of trapped in my brain and didn't think I had much of interest to write.