I used to love watching them. Until I grew old and cynical and realized that it was just a very expensive self-congratulatory marketing machine in an already vapid, self-involved industry. Cynical? Me? I’m glad Robert Altman finally got some recognition from them though. About damned time.

So to celebrate my non-Oscar watching. This is the speech I would give if the earth’s crust opened, tiny humanoid chihuauas came out, and I decided to move to Hollywood and star in the movies.

from the Academy Award Speech Generator found via CheekyProf

Noelle’s Acceptance Speech for the Most Over-Produced Victorian Epic Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly breathe! I feel so surgically enhanced! And this statue - it’s so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest hallucinations, I never would have frantically prayed that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally vindicated your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was a God on Earth, I just had to take an epidural and obsess about how freakish my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda wrinkly

You know, there are so many ass-kissing two-faced harpies to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Kali, for being such a powerful force in my contract negotiations. And to the US Supreme Court, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn’t have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

With all cynical silliniess aside, thanks for all the sweet comments about the collar! I owe ya’ll two patterns now, eh?