(this is sort of a republish of an email I sent to a friend but it covered so much that I would end up repeating in all the emails that I thought I’d just edit it a bit and post it here)

Thanks to everyone who sent good thoughts about my Zola bean. It’s breaking my heart that she’s so young.

And it’s bringing up all kinds of residue from when we had to put our three year old Ascii dog to sleep for severe hip and knee dysplasia in 2001. That was genetic too - which was why we went to a stringent breeder that screened for hips and eyes when we got Winter. And supplement her diet with all kinds of vitamins and things that are supposed to help with general health and connective tissues.

And that experience led us to be more open for a breeder for a hedgehog. And my cat Melon was seriously ill last summer - I nursed her back to health by force feeding her liquids and giving her subcutaneous fluids and shots and pills all at home. The scariest moments were when she didn’t fight back. But the good part is after two months of a whole lot of work, Melon got better. She’s just fine now, obnoxious and needy as ever, and our bond is even stronger - which is hard to imagine, this is my baby kitty (ha she’s over ten years old now) and we were pretty attached before all that.

This and a lot of other issues are at the heart of why we don’t (and probably won’t) have kids. If losing a pet or seeing them sick like this hurts this much, the thought of seeing my own baby this ill and having to do the things that are incredibly hard but make a good mother terrifies me. Scares me to death. There’s also the thing about my not exactly being a high functioning person these days. That too.

Zola’s ability to walk has seriously diminished just in the last week. I’ve been holding her up to walk and feeding her wet cat food and droppers of water. Doing some water aerobics and rubbing her tummy (clockwise only for some reason I can’t remember) and her tiny legs. Winter is totally jealous that the hedgehog is getting this much attention. The cats are keeping a respectful distance. They’ve never really taken much notice of her. We have an appointment at the vet at 8 am. We’re hoping that this is just a bad ear infection or something. But I’m prepared for the worst, as usual.

Yes, we will definitely be getting another hedgehog if/when Zola leaves us. Not as a replacement. As one of my favorites of Cody’s Aunts says “There will always be room for more, my heart expands to accommodate them.” Or something like that. The breeder that sold Zola to us has since moved to New York state but there is another one here in Albuquerque.

My stomach’s been hurting so much this week and the only thing I can think is responsible is the egg salad I had at Flying Star Tueday night. I don’t respond to eggs very well I really need to remember that. I’m sure there are some stress issues too. I haven’t gotten a lot of knitting done because my fingers usually seem to be covered in one hedgehog-related gross substance or another.

Ok I’m going to go get ready.