Ok, folks let’s have a serious chat for a minute here. Now, I understand patriotism and I fully support it. Really. I promise. I’ve traveled around the world and while I was always proud to be so adaptable as to be thought of as a local (or at the very least not a fucking annoying American tourist) wherever I was I was also quite happy to come back home. Naturally there are things that happen here I’m not proud of but years ago I made a conscious choice to live in the US when I could have done otherwise and right now I think it’s part of my job to stay here and try to fix it at least by the example of not becoming a paranoid xenophobic hate machine.

I’ll admit though that even I get a little defensive when people who’ve never even been to the US try to dictate what we should do - in the same way I get annoyed when our president does it to other countries and we know how limited his travel experiences have been. Or someone who’s never been to the south attempts to dictate the culture there for that matter. People who have grown up in these places don’t usually fully understand the nuances of their own culture how the fuck should someone who’s never even been there be able to fix what’s wrong with it?

So, no, I’m not anti-American or a self-hating American or whatever the current demean-the-liberal phrase du jour is. I actually do consider myself a patriot - just not the kind that’s so insecure in my beliefs that I feel I have to prove it every five seconds and shove it down others’ throats by pasting stars and stripes on every god damn thing I own.

That being said, the existence of an ornament with Santa Claus being wrapped in an American flag is probably the creepiest thing I’ve seen in a few weeks. That’s saying a lot folks I was in a Wal Mart parking lot in Los Lunas on Black Friday.

No goddammit, Santa Claus is not exclusive to the US. He is not a patriot. To literally wrap Santa Claus in the American flag pretty much goes against the modern concept of Santa Claus giving gifts to the children around the world doncha think? He doesn’t only go to American houses to bring presents! He doesn’t even live here! The north pole is not a US territory.

First, we stole the concept of Santa Claus from the Dutch - although there he actually ‘visits’ on a different day entirely and rarely leaves anything bigger than little fun trinket toys. And that figure’s origins go back to a weird amalgam of Odin flying in the sky casting blessings during midwinter while his son Thor wore red and fought the cold to bring the light back combined with a kindly priest who lived around 600 ad later adopted as a saint by the church. And guess what? The original Saint Nicolos was actually a Christian Greek-speaking Turk!

See, Christmas is a big combination of lots of different cultures’ winter rituals - the ancient origins of Winter Solstice or Yule involved having a huge celebration on the shortest day of the year. I’m paraphrasing of course. It was essentially hijacked by the church so pagans would be more comfortable with Christianity because they could still practice the rituals they were already familiar with. Examples of Christianity absorbing then dominating rituals like that exist in pretty much every culture and is associated with every modern Christian holiday.

The tree? The Druids decorated trees with apples and nuts and candles to celebrate and thank Odin for the harvest while later the Romans put candles and trinkets in trees to celebrate the week long Saturnalia parties honoring their god Saturn. Around the same time Egyptians were doing something similar with palm fronds (hello palm sunday). Later during the middle ages there’s the Tannenbaum tree in Germany - which was brought inside because it was a crime to have under strict protestant no-false-idolatry rule at the time. Then under Charles II in England the ability to celebrate Christmas was considered law and the tree thing spread to other countries. Ironically, the Christmas tree was first brought to the US by the Hessians - Germans hired by England to fight against the US revolutionaries.

The date? Historians generally agree that the origin of the date now celebrated as Christmas, December 25th, was traditionally celebrated by the Romans as the birthday of a “child of light” better known as Mithra, a Persian Sun-God who was also considered a kind, redeeming deity. Blah Blah, adopted by the church blah. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Mix those all together and now the modern concept of Christmas in America can be primarily attributed to a big combination of history, Charles Dickens, and various tomes written to make the poor and middle class happy during the Industrial Revolution. And copywriters for chain department stores so you’d buy all their crap.

Got that? Santa Claus is not an American. We do not hold exclusive rights to the celebration. And while I’m delighted by the concept of giving presents, being nice, and making other people happy in whatever religious or secular form it takes…get that flag off of him. Now. Because it’s shit like that that makes other countries hate us so much.

I apologize profusely to my various sources, to the cultures I didn’t discuss, and especially to the ones I did. I didn’t want to write a dissertation I just wanted to get my point across. Tis the season and all that jazz.