Don’t you guys without kids hate it when people don’t have anything better to ask you:

“So..when are you going to have kids?”

I came up with the perfect answer this morning:

“Well, not yet. But when monkeys fly out of my husband’s ass I’m gonna turn to him and say, ‘Baby, let’s breed!’”

How to Make Your Man Behave in 21 Days or Less Using the Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers

said while doing a really bad job on the carpentry puzzle in puzzle pirates:

“I’m an idiot savant without the savant bit.”

Just happened to catch it coming on IFC Sunday and decided to watch. I love love the other film adaptations of Nick Hornby’s books: About a Boy and High Fidelity. Maybe someone will endeavor to make a film of How to be Good - which was actually my favorite to read.

So, Fever Pitch. I never read it but it’s supposed to be somewhat autobiographical. I’m assuming the soccer obsession is the crux of the biographical element. So I was surprised that the movie kept my attention at all. Let me tell you, I am beyond clueless about soccer (or football to non-yanks). I’d never heard of Beckham until the movie came out and I wasn’t entirely sure who he was most of the way through the film. Still couldn’t tell you what team he played for or even if he still does. I’ve heard of Pele but that’s because of (prepared to date myself) atari games. Not that I ever owned “Pele’s Soccer” for atari I just remember the title and thinking that was a really unusual name.

So I’m not exactly a soccer fan. Which is what made this movie more interesting to me because the main character’s love interest isn’t either. She, like me, just doesn’t get it.

In fact, I don’t get most sports and the average male’s relationship with them. This would explain why I married a complete non-sport geek wouldn’t it? I would rather watch grass grow than watch sports on television but I usually don’t mind going to see most of them live every once in a while - like once a decade or so. Growing up where I did, not being an American-style football fan was an inherantly rebellious act so I never chose “Roll Tide” or “War Eagle” when asked the inevitable question in elementary school. I just said (insert my lame-ass trying not to sound southern by imitating Moon Unit Zappa’s Valley Girl accent that ends up just sounding stupid and whiny with a southern accent here) “ew, I don’t like football.”

So you’d think that this movie would bore the pants off me since it’s all about a guy who’s not only obsessed with soccer but a particular soccer team - on an eighteen year losing streak. However the story isn’t really that simple. What’s the title I saw a reviewer give Hornby once? Prince of the Male Confessional? Something like that. And it’s true. His stories are honest and capture (what I imagine are) the thoughts of the average Generation X-Y male pretty well - with warts and all. But they don’t oversimplify them or even condescend to the female audience. Actually they make these silly confused young characters and the random shit they do more understandable to us. Or, at least, to me.

This story is mostly set in 1988 but goes back to the late sixties to show his first soccer match where he was reluctantly taken by his estranged emotionally unavailable father. And how he immediately felt a part of the crowd. How he later chose going to the soccer games over the rare visit from his father. And how he managed to eventually get all the women in his life to give a shit about his team. An amazing feat because most of the time this guy is vague, distracted, and pretty emotionally unavailable himself. His lucid non-soccer moments are almost childlike in their naivete and silly enthusiasm. But somehow he pulls it through.

Of course it didn’t hurt that Colin Firth was playing the main character. And his hair! His hair his hair! It was big and curly and shaggy and Bob Dylan just like Cody’s when he lets it go too long without a haircut. So cute! Funny that it’s autobiographical considering all the photos I’ve seen of Hornby has his head shaved.

I’ve noticed they’re working on an American remake of this movie by the Farrelly Brothers with Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore - and it’s about the Red Sox. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

All I know is that I’m glad Confederacy of Dunces is shelved. Will Farrell is no Ignatius J Reilly goddammit!

If you’ve been online for a while you’ve probably seen this before but it’s still pretty damn funny.

213 Things Skippy Can’t Do

I’m getting ready to submit my pic to this year’s Boobie-thon. I’m sure you’ll know which one’s mine

Don’t worry Mom and Nicole, it’ll be in the “free” (read: prudes) section. To mangle a quote of mr man quoting that guy from seinfeld: mah girls need a house!

It’s the smartest fundraiser to combat breast cancer I’ve ever heard of though. Showing boobs to fight breast cancer? Friggin brilliant!

Congratulations you have achieved level 4 witch
status… you have studied hard and learned
well!!

What Level of Witch are you
brought to you by Quizilla

Our houseguests’ visit was short but sweet. They’re a very nice new-agey lesbian couple. I’ve known one for 22 years or so she went to college with my sister in the early eighties and I stayed at her apartment in Birmingham for a month when I was doing that international vagabond thing in 92. We’d met her girlfriend at my sister’s wedding in April and she was very nice. Like I said, they’re quite new-agey, not something I’m unfamiliar with, and had been on some kind of road trip vision quest thing all summer. I think our suburban household might have been a little weird for them even with our strange hours and grasp of alternative lifestyles. They seemed to enjoy my shampoo and tea selections though. I’ll admit I have good and admittedly expensive taste where those are concerned. Strangest thing though. Cody had bought some fat free hot cocoa for me because its been getting cold and he knows I like to make a fire, sit on the sofa with the puppy, drink cocoa, and watch tv. It seemed to offend Bluejay somehow though. She kept commenting about our swiss miss. I’m still not entirely sure what that was about.

Is it the neutrality of the Swiss? The patriarchial term “miss”? The evil corporate implications? Cocoa beans? The dehydration process? We just don’t know.

You are the color turquoise. A fairly tempermental
person, you’re either upset or tranquil most of
the time. You can be as calm as your color.
You’re a mysterious person, yet somehow
outgoing. You’re balanced, simply put. You’re
somewhat bold. You’re generous and
sophisticated–but never ever snobby. You’re
lively and rich in personality and attitude.
You’re a beautiful person, aside from the fact
that you’re a perfectionist and painfully
honest. But life is good to you!

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate–with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Hey kids! October is Pasta Month!